When we first started talking about non-monogamy back in December of last year, the heat ramped up fast. Within two weeks, Bunni decided that it was something she wanted to try. Matching each other’s excitement, we dove in headfirst into an incredibly thrilling, hormone-fueled sexual adventure. After our first playdate in April, the intensity rose to a new level. We indulged in the incredible experiences that the lifestyle had to offer as often as we could. Then, after about two months, the activities that used to excite me didn’t feel as pleasurable anymore. I struggled to understand why. I liked these things! While we had gained an amazing new part of our lives, something happened that we didn’t anticipate. It took several weeks of thought and conversation to realize how unbalanced our life had become. I was unknowingly mourning the loss of so much; pretty much everything besides the lifestyle. The powerful forces of pleasure that we had unleashed had overwhelmed every other aspect of our life and knocked us completely off balance.
Simply put, compared to the newfound intensity in our bedroom, almost nothing else in life felt as appealing. Our hobbies fell by the wayside. We talked about little else than the lifestyle with each other. Most regrettably, our relationships with friends and family became de-prioritized. The intensity and amount of conversation we were having amongst each other took attention away from our children. Our sex life became extremely focused on other people and less and less time was devoted to focusing just on each other. What was meant to be a spice in our life had become the main course. Have you ever eaten a spoonful of straight cinnamon? I don’t recommend it.
Bunni and I took a step back to evaluate our life and unpack how we had arrived at the state we were in. Part of that was considering the specific context in which we decided to open our marriage. Having spent most of 2020 in our house, not seeing family and friends and not dating each other, we had grown exhausted as parents and slightly depressed as individuals. It was in this environment that we introduced one of the most intense dopamine rushes we had ever experienced. It was immediately incredible, so much so that we didn’t realize how much we became reliant on it for excitement and happiness in our lives. That is not a sustainable or healthy trajectory to be on and after a few months, we started to learn that through experience.
In response, we made a conscious decision to rebalance our life. The timing worked out with our child starting school. We recommitted to our home rhythms and routines. We started cooking again instead of ordering out every night. Bunni started dreaming again – about other things than just big dicks – which is one of the things I have always loved most about her. Although several major experiences happened during this time – our anniversary and New York – I took a break from writing and drastically reduced my time spent on social media. We stopped all of our 24-7 lifestyle dynamics and figured out how this new and exciting sexual adventure would actually fit in to our day-to-day reality. Overall, we identified all of our priorities and committed to put them in line. We didn’t realize how much we had lost us until we were back again.
We have both learned so much about ourselves and each other during this short time in the lifestyle. That will continue to be a lifelong process but especially in the beginning, the level of discovery is extremely high. Having spent less than a year in kink and even less in non-monogamy, we are very much still growing as people. Just as my wife is on a new and exciting journey of self-discovery, I am too. However, we are also growing together as a couple, which is something that we are very used to in all that we have been through in our twelve years together.
Being in the sexual lifestyle isn’t constant fun and games. The unbelievable heights of pleasure are enabled by the work that you have to do, individually and together. Thankfully, we’re in a new season of healthier balance again. We’ve needed it, not just because of the lifestyle but also because of the clusterfuck of last year. We never really “returned” from quarantine until now. We’re enjoying ourselves, our children, family, friends and hobbies again. We’re dreaming about our future and actively pursuing it. We’re rediscovering ourselves on this journey through life together. On top of all that, we also share in a secret, unbelievably naughty sexual lifestyle that we’re eager to dive back into. In the right amount, it provides the perfect amount of flavor to keep our life spicy.
Cover photo by Patrick Fore on Unsplash.